Tag: Rambling

Death of Satisfaction

I don’t know what or how to feel anymore.

Extravagant3 Comments

Don’t you hate it sometimes when things are going just spectacularly shitty? Well that’s what I’m going through right now I suppose.

I hate this stupid fucking feeling man. This eeriness that surrounds everything around me is just haunting, and not in the cheap horror movie sense, but in the literal sense.

I’m trying to be positive, but I’m barely satisfied, and I don’t feel sure of how everything is building up. I have a plan, sure. There are things in motion, however it’s not jolting for me.

It’s the little things. It’s the tiniest of little things that just manage to thwart any shred of satisfaction or comfort I might have.

From the inability to manage a date with anyone recently, to not being able to eat the food that I like… The list goes on and on. The worst of the whole lot is feeling that I’m not on the right path in terms of a lifetime of employment. This one is really scaring me. Do I want to be a teacher for the rest of my working life? I’m not so sure, and this is no walk in the park decision. Growing up is scary, and I hope I’m up to the challenge, but right now, it doesn’t feel this way.

Everything and everyone around me makes me feel lonely that it’s not even funny anymore. I keep wishing I could see my friends more, but I don’t make enough effort to do that, and at the same time they don’t as well. I feel like I’m losing everyone that is around me, and the thought of that is frightening.

Maybe I’m not looking at the brighter side, or perhaps I’m not putting enough effort; well that might be the case to be honest.

It just might be the case.

I don’t know what to feel or how I’m feeling.

This sucks man.

Unrequited Love

It can be hard for some, but not for me!

ExtravagantLeave a comment

Unrequited love is the best kind of love.

I know that it might be an oxymoronic thing to say, but everytime I find myself stuck in this vicious cycle of emotions and feelings, I feel great. It is truly a wonderful feeling, when you know you love someone, and you know they don’t love you back.

I feed from that, I take everything I can from it, and sometimes I even crave it. It’s a very mysterious trait that I have, and it puzzles me to the core. Whenever I happen to fall into this, I am a different and better person. My energy boosts up to unimaginable levels, I feel like I have nothing to lose, it gives me an unspoken kind of confidence that manages to take me into personal heights I never knew I had.

The only let down is, that all these feelings are short lived. I move on too quickly, rather too fast, but in that short period of time, like I said, I take everything, and I don’t have to give back anything. All the creativity from the feelings attained, all the courage, all the reckless regretting behavior that transcends me to newer states of being, it is all worth it.

Heartbreak doesn’t scare me, not at all. I loathe and disdain myself sometimes for wanting it. That’s why to me, Unrequited love is the best kind of love. It is the love that you know you have, and that you know you can give. However, you don’t end up sharing that love with the other, but with yourself.

Don’t be afraid of heartbreak, and don’t be afraid of love. These feelings are rare, so take advantage of them, use them selfishly if all fails and things don’t go your way. After all, you never know what life has in line for you.

In the words of Sir James Matthew Barrie,

“Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow”.

The Sun Always Shines

Don’t doubt, just live.

ExtravagantLeave a comment

I have a few things I wanted to get off my chest. I’ve been feeling a bit down rcently, and I always find that strange.

I know that’s a weird thing by itself, to find feeling down as peculiar. I don’t, It’s just that sometimes I don’t realize how blessed I really am in my life.

Wondering how to do this and that, searching for an answers on different things, I don’t want to do that anymore. That never gets me anywhere. It chains me and keeps me down. This overthinking is a nightmare, a true real life waking nightmare. It’s horrible. I hate it, and I don’t want it anymore.

I’m not the most altruistic person in the world, but I try my best to do my share of goodness in the world. I’m getting an education, and I have food and a bed to sleep on every night. That’s all one needs. I won’t let the small mundane things of everyday life get in the way anymore.

What possessed to take such a move is the fact that I’ve been living in this vicious cycle of doubt. This doubt is crumbling, tearing me to pieces. What is there to life if you only doubt? What next, am I to doubt my own doubts? It became ridiculous. I wasn’t feeling like myself, or what I wish myself to be.

All is good in my life at this moment. I have no reason to feel down, I have no reason to doubt, I have no reason to rot away my life because of merely nothing, or even everything.

All I know is that from now on, I’ll try to be a different person. I’ll try to embrace the grandness and simple joys of this short existence that we call life.

I’m going to bed now, knowing that I’ll wake up to see the sun tomorrow. Life is great, and there’s nothing wrong with the world.

Control

There will always be things at our reach, and things that aren’t.

ExtravagantLeave a comment

Things you can control and things you can’t control. As lavish and majestic the idea of having control over everything might be the grandest of wants to any human being, I think it’s as far-fetched as it can be.

The things you can control are minimal. A very minimal example would be mostly physical attributes of one’s self. Someone who is overweight, and chooses to stay overweight, or lose the extra pounds, that’s something everyone can control. The same excuse you hear from anyone who needs to shed some fat is always the same: I don’t have time to exercise, I’m big boned, my weight is genetic, etc. However, what one needs to lose weight is to exercise at least thirty minutes a day, which I’m sure anyone can have that amount of free time no matter how busy. Anyone can control their calorie intake and what they put into this vessel that holds our consciousness. Another example of the things you can control, other than physical attributes is the mundane and day-to-day things. This sounds vague, but let’s make it simpler. For example, a person who has job duties, or study duties, or any duties of any type, shape or form, can choose to work and pursue those duties, or choose to quite simply neglect them.

The things we can’t control, aren’t minimal at all. It’s the things that have a metaphysical aspect to them, or things that are greater than life itself. Love as an example is the perfect basis we can move on with the idea of things we can’t control. Sometimes, when emotions and feelings you might have to that special person build up, they at the same time might not have an ounce of affection towards you, that’s considering if you can measure the amount of affection a person holds to another. Another thing you can’t control, is the notion or concept of existence itself. You know, one of the greatest mind-boggling thoughts that come up to any person at some point in their lives, or even on a day-to-day basis is the idea of God. We all think about the existence or non-existence of a higher power, and that’s something that we can’t control in my opinion of course. No matter how much science advances, we will never have empirical proof or evidence to the existence of a higher being, and we will never have empirical proof arguing that no matter how infinite the universe and how it’s expanding, that God doesn’t exist. The best explanation for the existence of God for me, is simply that little space between us, you know? When you are talking or conversing with someone, and that smidge of breathing space, that keeps us apart, is what might be God, or something like that.

I’m sure there’s many more things we can and can’t control, and no matter how much technology advances, and cultures and societies change, there will always be things we can and can’t control.

Commitment

Commitment is dying. I’m here to preserve it.

ExtravagantLeave a comment

I came to a haunting realization today: Everyone around me is in love, except me. There’s this thing about me, where I simply can’t fall in love anymore. I tried, believe me I did. But I’ve reached the breaking point. Rejection after rejection, heartbreak after heartbreak, I couldn’t bear it anymore. I try to fall in love, I convince myself that I’m in love, but I’m just hustling myself, playing tricks on myself. I’m sick and tired of sleeping around. I’m an old soul, nothing excites me more than the idea of settling down and finding just that one right person. Times have changed, and people laugh at me for actually have such a desire in life.

“It’s too early for that! You’re still young, man! Go out and enjoy yourself, see what the world has to offer!”

I saw what the world had to offer, and it wasn’t pretty. It was boring, unsatisfying, and unfulfilling. You see, as clichéd as it is talking about this generation moving on from the idea of love, I still find it fascinating. Being a romantic in this day and age can be laughable to some, because you know, ‘progressiveness’ is somehow related to feelings, in the weirdest and strangest of mannerisms.

I just seethe and take a deep breath whenever I have this conversation with anyone really. It gets tiring defending and repeating myself all the time. I guess I just have to deal with it.

You know, the thing is about my old soul, is that finding that special person like I said before is even tougher now. Again, times have changed, and no person is interested in settling in early and building up a life together at a younger age. This is what I strive for, and I’ll always will.

I know dear reader you might find me being paradoxical when I started out this meaningless, yet relieving plethora of ramblings with the notion that everyone around me is in love. What I’m trying to get through is the basic tenant of commitment. Commitment is what I’m aiming for here. No one has the patience and the balance to truly get to know a person. In this speed age as I like to call it, everything moves quick, just like emotions and romances, and thus, I make my case.

All I can do is hope that soon enough, I’ll find the right person. Patience is key they say.