Tag: Patience

Loneliness

Loneliness is bliss, sometimes. Not really.

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Dealing with loneliness is tough. It creeps on your back, and feels like whips lashing on your fragile skin. It can be a slow and painful death, that makes you fade away, little by little. The story of my loneliness is unmatched, and unimaginable.

Spending your days, with patience and hopefulness is a tiresome lifestyle. The patience, of finally being relieved and uplifted from this ghastly burden laying on your soul is fucking miserable. A truly bittersweet feeling. It’s often said that patience is key, well fuck that. I don’t know how long one can last in this drivel. As for hopefulness, it only makes you hopeless. The fact that you know yourself, and the fact that everything you long for, comes back to bite you in the ass, is dreadful. I’ve been hopeful for so long that I lost track now.

Loneliness is something I don’t even wish upon my worst enemies. You know man, I keep trying. That’s the thing, I guess. I should just stop at this point. I suppose some people were bound to stay alone forever. I am sick and tired of cliche and trite relationships or hook ups. It’s unnatural to lead such a life. I truly feel like I’m missing the sincere part of feeling wanted, and this is a fundamental human feeling. It is one of the few things missing from my life, but it affects more than it should I suppose.

We live in such a weird time, and place right now. We’ve reached the point, where the mutual feeling of love and affection, is hard to achieve. This is what I’m witnessing every single day. People just keep drifting away from each other, in every single way possible. Be it love, family, or friends man. It’s just a vicious cycle of people dismantling the natural aspect of oneness and the desire to be what we have to be. Everyone is so fucking nihilistic, sarcastic, and intent on being the worst possible version of themselves. I don’t know what is sparking all this damn mania in everyone. I don’t know… Is everyone lonely as well? At this point, It might be the case.

All I know is that, one day, I want to fill in this tiny but huge gap right in the center of my soul. I truly hope this day can come quickly. I want my loneliness to go away. Or maybe I don’t. It’s said that satisfaction is the death of desire. Maybe my loneliness is what keeps me going. The thing that kills me the most, is what’s keeping me alive. That’s a pretty fucking wonderful life if you ask me.

Friendship, #2

Friendship is the most important thing in life.

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A lot of times we as human beings have this tendency for being stubborn, and wanting things to go our way. It’s the selfish nature that takes control of you, holds you and corrupts the purest of things you can possibly think of.

I’ve fallen to the viciousness of such feelings and behaviors, but it’s been a while, and I finally realized, that whatever had happened in the past, isn’t worth ruining a friendship for.

It wasn’t a mere friendship, not a simple acquaintance I run into every now and then, but a best friend, a brother, and someone I can count on. He was everything to me. You know, having someone you could telling anything that’s going on your mind is truly a blessing in disguise. We don’t realize how important this is. Having a keeper of secrets, an ear to hear you out, no matter how stupid what you needed to say was, is something that is a privilege in life.

It’s been two years almost, and yesterday, I finally talk to my friend.

I hope things can go back to normal, like they used to be. If there’s something I regret, is the time wasted in regret and denial, the time wasted in being hesitant, and realizing afterwards, that both of us where at an edge.

If you have a friend, a family member, a lover you haven’t talked to in a while, or you have a dispute with, for any reason, just put it behind you. No squabble and no difference is worth it. Keep the people that mean the world to you close, and just open your eyes, to how important having these people is in your life.

Deadlines and Paperwork, #1

Press on and don’t give up. All will work out, fingers crossed.

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This is it.

I never realized how fast time goes by, and I’m struck with this realization in the wee hours of night, with a midterm in my final year of undergraduate studies just a few hours away. I swear it feels like I’ve just already finished high school, but here I am, already thinking of my future, and my plans after graduating.

As much as I love Beirut, but I think it’s time for me to leave, once and for all. I finally decided I’m going to continue with my Master’s Degree abroad, and afterwards see where life takes me.

I can’t focus anymore on anything. All I have is deadlines for research papers, deadlines for exams, deadlines for applications, deadlines for paperwork, deadlines for the visa. I’d rather fall dead with all this pressure I’m feeling right now.

I’m worried, and nervous. Again, this is going way too fast. And I can’t stop thinking of the looming impending doom and the thought or idea of all my hard work not turning into fruition.

I am excited don’t get me wrong, but I’m afraid. All the time spent, money spent, years spent, it all goes down to these couple of months ahead of me.

What awaits me I don’t know yet, but I sure do hope it’s going to be fucking great. I tend to strive under pressure and fear, and these feelings as dreadful as they might sound, they might be exactly what I need right now.

All one can do is hope for the best now.

Just breathe, it’s all going your way. You got this.

I just wish I was in a speeding car right now, on an empty highway, letting go of all these thoughts, and just the idea of wasting pressure time is all I crave. It can wait.

Patience.

Thin Line

Never lose hope, even if you’ll fail.

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I told you how I felt,
And you just froze,
Like a snowman in a storm
Calm and existing with the weather
Before the sun rose back again and melted him down.

I’m sure about my feelings to you,
Like a drunken sailor loves his rum
Drinking it down like there’s no tomorrow,
But there is a tomorrow…

I’m hanging on a thread here,
With both ends cut off,
Caught mid-air,
Screaming with my hands orbiting the atmosphere,
I’m about to fall.

The human brain,
A mean machine, of constant thought,
Driving a person towards eternal insanity,
Feelings too intense to consume.

I drink to your love every night,
Hoping, just hoping it’ll come,
Banging on my door, 4,5,6 A.M
I’ll be awake by then,
Staring at the entrance
Like a soldier on duty
Waiting not the enemy,
But the ally, that will end my agony.

Commitment

Commitment is dying. I’m here to preserve it.

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I came to a haunting realization today: Everyone around me is in love, except me. There’s this thing about me, where I simply can’t fall in love anymore. I tried, believe me I did. But I’ve reached the breaking point. Rejection after rejection, heartbreak after heartbreak, I couldn’t bear it anymore. I try to fall in love, I convince myself that I’m in love, but I’m just hustling myself, playing tricks on myself. I’m sick and tired of sleeping around. I’m an old soul, nothing excites me more than the idea of settling down and finding just that one right person. Times have changed, and people laugh at me for actually have such a desire in life.

“It’s too early for that! You’re still young, man! Go out and enjoy yourself, see what the world has to offer!”

I saw what the world had to offer, and it wasn’t pretty. It was boring, unsatisfying, and unfulfilling. You see, as clichéd as it is talking about this generation moving on from the idea of love, I still find it fascinating. Being a romantic in this day and age can be laughable to some, because you know, ‘progressiveness’ is somehow related to feelings, in the weirdest and strangest of mannerisms.

I just seethe and take a deep breath whenever I have this conversation with anyone really. It gets tiring defending and repeating myself all the time. I guess I just have to deal with it.

You know, the thing is about my old soul, is that finding that special person like I said before is even tougher now. Again, times have changed, and no person is interested in settling in early and building up a life together at a younger age. This is what I strive for, and I’ll always will.

I know dear reader you might find me being paradoxical when I started out this meaningless, yet relieving plethora of ramblings with the notion that everyone around me is in love. What I’m trying to get through is the basic tenant of commitment. Commitment is what I’m aiming for here. No one has the patience and the balance to truly get to know a person. In this speed age as I like to call it, everything moves quick, just like emotions and romances, and thus, I make my case.

All I can do is hope that soon enough, I’ll find the right person. Patience is key they say.