Tag: Life

Sweet Stuff

Time to lose that weight.

Extravagant2 Comments

 

Food has been one of the major mishaps of my life, yes I mean that quite literally. I eat way too much than my body needs, and this has been keeping me down for quite a long time.

I’m not excruciatingly obese to the point where I can’t get out of bed, but for sure I could lose a lot of weight, no doubt whatsoever.

Personally, I’ve thought this through and through, and I always come up with the same interpretation as to how much I eat of course, and it isn’t something mind blowing or spectacularly psychological, but the reason for my over-eating is the simplicity of the fact that I love the taste of food, way more than the regular person. Just the sensation of good (junk) food breaking down in my mouth, gives my euphoric sensations (which is a bad thing thinking about it now).

I wouldn’t classify myself with those who would say that the reason they overindulge in food or ‘binge-eating’ is due to some personal dysfunction or as a coping mechanism to fight something off, a way to forget some things that an individual might be going through. Don’t get me wrong, that’s quite harsh when a person truly suffers from this, and it can be a huge pain to overcome this on a psychological level. Many obese people fall for this due to many complications, and this is an actual disease, which can be very hard to overcome.

Whenever I’d have an overwhelmingly delicious meal, or any kind of sweet savoury mouth watering type of food, I feel bad. I don’t feel bad for eating, but I feel bad because I can do better. I’m not one of those who thinks that being ‘fat’ or ‘overweight’ is okay, no, I think it’s something that anyone can get out of with the right amount of work and the perfect suitable diet for his/her needs.

Often times I think I give this ‘excuse’ of simply loving how food taste as a shield to fend myself off the reality that I need to exercise more, I need to eat healthier, I need to eat cleaner, etc.

This notion of being fat by choice has only kept me down for a long time. I have to change, I mean, I always find myself thinking, ‘is it really THAT hard to get my ass off the couch and go for a run, or to join a gym?’. The answer is simple, no it’s not that hard.

I’ve delt and been through alot in my short existence of twenty-one. By hell, I won’t let the excess fat on my body, that was my own doing, to keep my down anymore.

I’ll go as far as saying that this is not okay. I don’t want to be accepted in a society in the way that I am now. This is one of the harshest mistakes and wrongdoings caused by political correctness. Being fat and obese shouldn’t be celebrated. Being lazy shouldn’t be celebrated, and yes, I’m applying this to my own self. I won’t find any excuses anymore for being a lazy, food junkie that doesn’t want to better himself. I’m better than this, I’m better than all this crap I keep shoving down my throat. I’m not falling for the oh so standards of society in terms of fitness. I’m not one of those who shout ‘yeah! It’s okay to be fat! Rock that body you go, random fat person!’. That’s wrong and on so many levels I’ve come to realize. Being fit and healthy isn’t a ‘social construct’, it’s the only sane choice a human being can make in order to have a healthy and lasting existence.

No more excuses. I will become a better person, not for society, not for anyone else, but for myself.

I’ll try my best, and I will fight as hard as it takes, to achieve my goals, and to lose all this heaviness that I inflicted upon myself.

All that sweet stuff, I’ll have to put on hold. Time for change.

Nostalgia Spree, #3

The power of nostalgia.

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For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling nostalgic about many things. I know it sounds something common, and it is true, that everyone gets nostalgic every now and then. However I’ve reached the point where the past is mostly everything I think about, and I honestly find this quite dangerous.

I’m still twenty years old (almost twenty-one in a couple of days), and I know individuals who are much older, yet they’re much more excited for what the future has to hold, and this is problematic. Everything is going great in my life, I don’t have anything to complain about, but I have this itchy yearning for what has already happened and to what I’ve already lived through, and experiences I’ve already had.

Perhaps this is all normal, and it’s a phase of some sorts, because I’m in a transitioning phase right now, and I’m about to embark in the newest chapter of my life. Maybe I’m dwelling on what could’ve been, and the life I had as a child? Who knows, knows.

I’ve been playing older video games I used to play as a child. Games like Runescape. I used to put an alarm on my old watch on every weekend at 6 A.M, to wake up and have an insanely long session that consisted of mostly cutting trees, and trying to get a Runescape girlfriend (usually bought for 10k gold or a few expensive items. I have to say though, my Runescape girlfriends were all better than the one’s I had in real life, oh the irony). I also remembered all the books I used to read. I used to be crazy about R.L Stine, which was quite normal considering what I was into. I used to read those horror stories with every shred of excitement a small human can garner and manage to summon. I miss going to our countryside house, playing on the swings and outside the house, getting myself dirty and dragged down, having those long sunset walks with my child-self, and thinking how the hell was I that deep of a person when I wasn’t really as aware back then. I’d kill for one of those 2-3 hour bike rides just about right now. It’s the small trivial things that I miss mostly. I miss having all the free time in the world, to indulge in what I truly loved doing and all the works that go along with it.

I keep reminiscing on the time where things were just so very damn simple. Maybe it’s the lifestyle that I’m leading that is keeping everything off-balance? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that I want ease of mind, and I want that real soon.

I have to be honest now, this spree of nostalgia is great. I never realized I could remember that many events and things I used to do as a kid. I never thought I’d have the capacity to keep hold of all these memories, or I never thought the human brain was truly this powerful. I was shuffling through past events like I shuffle through recent pictures on my phone.

Nostalgia is great folks, it truly is. Be sure though to always look to what’s forward, or to what’s coming ahead in your horizon.

The Sun Always Shines

Don’t doubt, just live.

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I have a few things I wanted to get off my chest. I’ve been feeling a bit down rcently, and I always find that strange.

I know that’s a weird thing by itself, to find feeling down as peculiar. I don’t, It’s just that sometimes I don’t realize how blessed I really am in my life.

Wondering how to do this and that, searching for an answers on different things, I don’t want to do that anymore. That never gets me anywhere. It chains me and keeps me down. This overthinking is a nightmare, a true real life waking nightmare. It’s horrible. I hate it, and I don’t want it anymore.

I’m not the most altruistic person in the world, but I try my best to do my share of goodness in the world. I’m getting an education, and I have food and a bed to sleep on every night. That’s all one needs. I won’t let the small mundane things of everyday life get in the way anymore.

What possessed to take such a move is the fact that I’ve been living in this vicious cycle of doubt. This doubt is crumbling, tearing me to pieces. What is there to life if you only doubt? What next, am I to doubt my own doubts? It became ridiculous. I wasn’t feeling like myself, or what I wish myself to be.

All is good in my life at this moment. I have no reason to feel down, I have no reason to doubt, I have no reason to rot away my life because of merely nothing, or even everything.

All I know is that from now on, I’ll try to be a different person. I’ll try to embrace the grandness and simple joys of this short existence that we call life.

I’m going to bed now, knowing that I’ll wake up to see the sun tomorrow. Life is great, and there’s nothing wrong with the world.

Friendship, #2

Friendship is the most important thing in life.

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A lot of times we as human beings have this tendency for being stubborn, and wanting things to go our way. It’s the selfish nature that takes control of you, holds you and corrupts the purest of things you can possibly think of.

I’ve fallen to the viciousness of such feelings and behaviors, but it’s been a while, and I finally realized, that whatever had happened in the past, isn’t worth ruining a friendship for.

It wasn’t a mere friendship, not a simple acquaintance I run into every now and then, but a best friend, a brother, and someone I can count on. He was everything to me. You know, having someone you could telling anything that’s going on your mind is truly a blessing in disguise. We don’t realize how important this is. Having a keeper of secrets, an ear to hear you out, no matter how stupid what you needed to say was, is something that is a privilege in life.

It’s been two years almost, and yesterday, I finally talk to my friend.

I hope things can go back to normal, like they used to be. If there’s something I regret, is the time wasted in regret and denial, the time wasted in being hesitant, and realizing afterwards, that both of us where at an edge.

If you have a friend, a family member, a lover you haven’t talked to in a while, or you have a dispute with, for any reason, just put it behind you. No squabble and no difference is worth it. Keep the people that mean the world to you close, and just open your eyes, to how important having these people is in your life.

Deadlines and Paperwork, #1

Press on and don’t give up. All will work out, fingers crossed.

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This is it.

I never realized how fast time goes by, and I’m struck with this realization in the wee hours of night, with a midterm in my final year of undergraduate studies just a few hours away. I swear it feels like I’ve just already finished high school, but here I am, already thinking of my future, and my plans after graduating.

As much as I love Beirut, but I think it’s time for me to leave, once and for all. I finally decided I’m going to continue with my Master’s Degree abroad, and afterwards see where life takes me.

I can’t focus anymore on anything. All I have is deadlines for research papers, deadlines for exams, deadlines for applications, deadlines for paperwork, deadlines for the visa. I’d rather fall dead with all this pressure I’m feeling right now.

I’m worried, and nervous. Again, this is going way too fast. And I can’t stop thinking of the looming impending doom and the thought or idea of all my hard work not turning into fruition.

I am excited don’t get me wrong, but I’m afraid. All the time spent, money spent, years spent, it all goes down to these couple of months ahead of me.

What awaits me I don’t know yet, but I sure do hope it’s going to be fucking great. I tend to strive under pressure and fear, and these feelings as dreadful as they might sound, they might be exactly what I need right now.

All one can do is hope for the best now.

Just breathe, it’s all going your way. You got this.

I just wish I was in a speeding car right now, on an empty highway, letting go of all these thoughts, and just the idea of wasting pressure time is all I crave. It can wait.

Patience.

Descent

The descent was too hard for me to handle.

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I remember
I remember seeing the towers crumbling
descending into the abyss.

I remember her gaze, the way she stared at me
It haunted every ounce of my body
It rattled my bones,
It shook my core,
It changed me.

I remember her raspy soft voice,
smooth and slithery,
with every word spoken,
sliding deep down into your soul.

I remember the innocence in her eyes
an innocence so sincere and profound
an innocence of the lost and suffering,
searching miserably for a chance of life,
her eyes, they spoke to me.

The descent I witnessed,
a shameful loss of existence,
a loss of something that could’ve been
a loss greater than anything.

I lost the love,
I lost the love that I never had,
I lost the love that never loved me,
I lost nothing,
yet I lost everything.

Control

There will always be things at our reach, and things that aren’t.

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Things you can control and things you can’t control. As lavish and majestic the idea of having control over everything might be the grandest of wants to any human being, I think it’s as far-fetched as it can be.

The things you can control are minimal. A very minimal example would be mostly physical attributes of one’s self. Someone who is overweight, and chooses to stay overweight, or lose the extra pounds, that’s something everyone can control. The same excuse you hear from anyone who needs to shed some fat is always the same: I don’t have time to exercise, I’m big boned, my weight is genetic, etc. However, what one needs to lose weight is to exercise at least thirty minutes a day, which I’m sure anyone can have that amount of free time no matter how busy. Anyone can control their calorie intake and what they put into this vessel that holds our consciousness. Another example of the things you can control, other than physical attributes is the mundane and day-to-day things. This sounds vague, but let’s make it simpler. For example, a person who has job duties, or study duties, or any duties of any type, shape or form, can choose to work and pursue those duties, or choose to quite simply neglect them.

The things we can’t control, aren’t minimal at all. It’s the things that have a metaphysical aspect to them, or things that are greater than life itself. Love as an example is the perfect basis we can move on with the idea of things we can’t control. Sometimes, when emotions and feelings you might have to that special person build up, they at the same time might not have an ounce of affection towards you, that’s considering if you can measure the amount of affection a person holds to another. Another thing you can’t control, is the notion or concept of existence itself. You know, one of the greatest mind-boggling thoughts that come up to any person at some point in their lives, or even on a day-to-day basis is the idea of God. We all think about the existence or non-existence of a higher power, and that’s something that we can’t control in my opinion of course. No matter how much science advances, we will never have empirical proof or evidence to the existence of a higher being, and we will never have empirical proof arguing that no matter how infinite the universe and how it’s expanding, that God doesn’t exist. The best explanation for the existence of God for me, is simply that little space between us, you know? When you are talking or conversing with someone, and that smidge of breathing space, that keeps us apart, is what might be God, or something like that.

I’m sure there’s many more things we can and can’t control, and no matter how much technology advances, and cultures and societies change, there will always be things we can and can’t control.

Revolt

Change is inevitable. Life won’t wait.

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A high pitched shriek
Louder than the strike of thunder
Descending upon me
Mountains tumbling
And collapsing to the sight
Of the internal cluster
My insides turning against each other

Revolted by myself
And for myself
A swift change of winds
A zeal of attitude
And of life

Succumbing to the zest of being
Devastated for not seeing
What existing is all about so early
But it’s never too late
For life never waits for anyone
And I won’t wait for it anymore.

Beirut

My hateful and lovable home, Beirut.

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Beirut,
Destruction and alluring zen
Love and heart ache
A place of peace and war

The grit of structure
Buildings in the shape of bullet holes
Metal containers hugging people to sleep
With the beauty of the architecture
Grand designs and lavish concrete
Green trees and garbage
Provides a strange and peculiar mix

People of all difference
Difference of thought, of belief
Of unbelief, and of all unusual walks of life
It’s strange alright

Images of refugee families
Sleeping on the sidewalks
Right next to the club and pub goers
The poor and the rich, all the same
Drunken and miserable Beiruti millennials
Feeding on the chaotic surroundings
Turning them into monsters of sadness
Pictures of a better life unseen

I’m lost, a disorder of existence
I love Beirut, but Beirut hates me

I’ve nothing here, but
Heartache and war
I grew up too fast
Most grow up too fast here
Beirut is for the privileged
An unforgiving place for those who can’t
And for those who won’t

Streets with a million ales and tales
Of people and things
Stories of happiness and stories of sadness
An imperfect mixture, an anomaly
Beirut,
The perfect anomaly
My hateful and lovable home.