Month: October 2016

Pain

My pain and I are best friends.

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It strikes me every day
hits me, destroys me and seeks,
seeks my own annihilation

I used to pray,
I used to pray for the pain to stop
to let me be, and leave my suffering,
dwindling rotting away soul,

But prayers are null,
nothing, pointless,
fruitless, they are emptiness.
they are an emptiness,
that I know very well,
a place of existence that suits me best.

Just like the nothingness of prayers,
the pain will always linger on my back,
crawl in my guts, and leave me stranded,
Stranded on the shores of nihilism,
the shores of no return, the sand of doubt.

I am one with my pain.

Deadlines and Paperwork, #1

Press on and don’t give up. All will work out, fingers crossed.

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This is it.

I never realized how fast time goes by, and I’m struck with this realization in the wee hours of night, with a midterm in my final year of undergraduate studies just a few hours away. I swear it feels like I’ve just already finished high school, but here I am, already thinking of my future, and my plans after graduating.

As much as I love Beirut, but I think it’s time for me to leave, once and for all. I finally decided I’m going to continue with my Master’s Degree abroad, and afterwards see where life takes me.

I can’t focus anymore on anything. All I have is deadlines for research papers, deadlines for exams, deadlines for applications, deadlines for paperwork, deadlines for the visa. I’d rather fall dead with all this pressure I’m feeling right now.

I’m worried, and nervous. Again, this is going way too fast. And I can’t stop thinking of the looming impending doom and the thought or idea of all my hard work not turning into fruition.

I am excited don’t get me wrong, but I’m afraid. All the time spent, money spent, years spent, it all goes down to these couple of months ahead of me.

What awaits me I don’t know yet, but I sure do hope it’s going to be fucking great. I tend to strive under pressure and fear, and these feelings as dreadful as they might sound, they might be exactly what I need right now.

All one can do is hope for the best now.

Just breathe, it’s all going your way. You got this.

I just wish I was in a speeding car right now, on an empty highway, letting go of all these thoughts, and just the idea of wasting pressure time is all I crave. It can wait.

Patience.

Sleep

Sleep, and close your eyes, rest.

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I rest my head every day,
On a pillow so soft, it keeps me safe,
It catches my dreams and thoughts
Judges me not, and knows who I am.

On my bed, I sleep every night,
Safe and sound from any fright.
Dreams all gone, not in sight,
My brain turned off, with all it’s might.

Sleeping does wonders to a man,
Especially my pillow and bed.
They hold me tight without a fret,
Eyes wide shut, long day ahead.

 

Serenade

I’ll be there, no matter what.

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Serenade me with your voice
Embrace me with your eyes
Let us fall and make a choice
A choice of eternal youth and joy.

Let me tell you things you want to hear,
And playfully sway to my words so dear
I want to be there for you, talk to me
Why won’t you talk to me?

I know I can’t make you whole again,
But I know that I’ll fucking try
I won’t stay away, cast in a little den
Like a fish circling the ocean,
You’re my home,
And I’ll swim around constantly.

Thin Line

Never lose hope, even if you’ll fail.

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I told you how I felt,
And you just froze,
Like a snowman in a storm
Calm and existing with the weather
Before the sun rose back again and melted him down.

I’m sure about my feelings to you,
Like a drunken sailor loves his rum
Drinking it down like there’s no tomorrow,
But there is a tomorrow…

I’m hanging on a thread here,
With both ends cut off,
Caught mid-air,
Screaming with my hands orbiting the atmosphere,
I’m about to fall.

The human brain,
A mean machine, of constant thought,
Driving a person towards eternal insanity,
Feelings too intense to consume.

I drink to your love every night,
Hoping, just hoping it’ll come,
Banging on my door, 4,5,6 A.M
I’ll be awake by then,
Staring at the entrance
Like a soldier on duty
Waiting not the enemy,
But the ally, that will end my agony.

Summer Night

Parties are fun. Not always though.

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T’was a summer night,
The alcohol in abundance
Cocaine filling up the space,
The space between my nose and the air I breathe.

Everyone engulfed with madness
But it was I, who was filled with sadness
The cocaine only made things worse when they shouldn’t
What’s happening to me I thought, I am deficient.

I’m worthless, I’m nothing I thought in a snapful frenzy
I disappointed myself with bad intentions, my soul empty
I drank some more, feeling like the embodiment of sickness,
On the verge of collapsing, I hurried with quickness.

My grand escape.
I left the tomb of a party,
A knife, waiting for me at home
I stare at it sharply.

What now? What now?
Who knows.

Descent

The descent was too hard for me to handle.

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I remember
I remember seeing the towers crumbling
descending into the abyss.

I remember her gaze, the way she stared at me
It haunted every ounce of my body
It rattled my bones,
It shook my core,
It changed me.

I remember her raspy soft voice,
smooth and slithery,
with every word spoken,
sliding deep down into your soul.

I remember the innocence in her eyes
an innocence so sincere and profound
an innocence of the lost and suffering,
searching miserably for a chance of life,
her eyes, they spoke to me.

The descent I witnessed,
a shameful loss of existence,
a loss of something that could’ve been
a loss greater than anything.

I lost the love,
I lost the love that I never had,
I lost the love that never loved me,
I lost nothing,
yet I lost everything.