Control

There will always be things at our reach, and things that aren’t.

Things you can control and things you can’t control. As lavish and majestic the idea of having control over everything might be the grandest of wants to any human being, I think it’s as far-fetched as it can be.

The things you can control are minimal. A very minimal example would be mostly physical attributes of one’s self. Someone who is overweight, and chooses to stay overweight, or lose the extra pounds, that’s something everyone can control. The same excuse you hear from anyone who needs to shed some fat is always the same: I don’t have time to exercise, I’m big boned, my weight is genetic, etc. However, what one needs to lose weight is to exercise at least thirty minutes a day, which I’m sure anyone can have that amount of free time no matter how busy. Anyone can control their calorie intake and what they put into this vessel that holds our consciousness. Another example of the things you can control, other than physical attributes is the mundane and day-to-day things. This sounds vague, but let’s make it simpler. For example, a person who has job duties, or study duties, or any duties of any type, shape or form, can choose to work and pursue those duties, or choose to quite simply neglect them.

The things we can’t control, aren’t minimal at all. It’s the things that have a metaphysical aspect to them, or things that are greater than life itself. Love as an example is the perfect basis we can move on with the idea of things we can’t control. Sometimes, when emotions and feelings you might have to that special person build up, they at the same time might not have an ounce of affection towards you, that’s considering if you can measure the amount of affection a person holds to another. Another thing you can’t control, is the notion or concept of existence itself. You know, one of the greatest mind-boggling thoughts that come up to any person at some point in their lives, or even on a day-to-day basis is the idea of God. We all think about the existence or non-existence of a higher power, and that’s something that we can’t control in my opinion of course. No matter how much science advances, we will never have empirical proof or evidence to the existence of a higher being, and we will never have empirical proof arguing that no matter how infinite the universe and how it’s expanding, that God doesn’t exist. The best explanation for the existence of God for me, is simply that little space between us, you know? When you are talking or conversing with someone, and that smidge of breathing space, that keeps us apart, is what might be God, or something like that.

I’m sure there’s many more things we can and can’t control, and no matter how much technology advances, and cultures and societies change, there will always be things we can and can’t control.

Commitment

Commitment is dying. I’m here to preserve it.

I came to a haunting realization today: Everyone around me is in love, except me. There’s this thing about me, where I simply can’t fall in love anymore. I tried, believe me I did. But I’ve reached the breaking point. Rejection after rejection, heartbreak after heartbreak, I couldn’t bear it anymore. I try to fall in love, I convince myself that I’m in love, but I’m just hustling myself, playing tricks on myself. I’m sick and tired of sleeping around. I’m an old soul, nothing excites me more than the idea of settling down and finding just that one right person. Times have changed, and people laugh at me for actually have such a desire in life.

“It’s too early for that! You’re still young, man! Go out and enjoy yourself, see what the world has to offer!”

I saw what the world had to offer, and it wasn’t pretty. It was boring, unsatisfying, and unfulfilling. You see, as clichéd as it is talking about this generation moving on from the idea of love, I still find it fascinating. Being a romantic in this day and age can be laughable to some, because you know, ‘progressiveness’ is somehow related to feelings, in the weirdest and strangest of mannerisms.

I just seethe and take a deep breath whenever I have this conversation with anyone really. It gets tiring defending and repeating myself all the time. I guess I just have to deal with it.

You know, the thing is about my old soul, is that finding that special person like I said before is even tougher now. Again, times have changed, and no person is interested in settling in early and building up a life together at a younger age. This is what I strive for, and I’ll always will.

I know dear reader you might find me being paradoxical when I started out this meaningless, yet relieving plethora of ramblings with the notion that everyone around me is in love. What I’m trying to get through is the basic tenant of commitment. Commitment is what I’m aiming for here. No one has the patience and the balance to truly get to know a person. In this speed age as I like to call it, everything moves quick, just like emotions and romances, and thus, I make my case.

All I can do is hope that soon enough, I’ll find the right person. Patience is key they say.

Calm

No mistakes, all in time.

Blissful and soulful,
sound and careful
I have to do this right,

Her complexity and depth,
evokes images of annual growth rings
A beautiful and concentrated mess,
intensity and experience,
shaped into life and structure.

Intimidated and startled by such beauty,
I fear for this imagery of her inside my head
to be just the opposite in her thoughts
I don’t want to be the dying winter tree
shivering for another chance of life.

I have to do this right.

Out

Overwhelmed by myself and my imagination. I’m out of everything.

Illusion of choice and freedom
A mirage of lights,
An inundation of beings
Creatures, things
Overwhelming my paranoia

Amethyst and cordovan imagery
Adding to my misery
Wallowing deeply in my wild imagination
What is real to me, I don’t know,
Like a wild pang of a paw,
Stripping me out of consciousness,
And back into the spiral of madness

Erupting volcanoes,
Oozing out the redness of my soul,
As deep as a hole
Concave and hollow,
And ransacked out of love,
Out of tenderness, out of emotion,
Out of sentiment, out of affection,
Out of love, and out of life.

Staring

Staring at nothingness, realizing I am nothing.

Staring at the ceiling above me,
Pale and white, the paint shedding off
I pause, and stare
Drowning my sorrows every night,
Sitting on this old wooden bed,
Eyes fixated upon the same illuminated screen
The realization of failure,
The realization of nothingness,
The realization of woes and sadness
I look up again at the ceiling,
Trying to find some purpose,
Maybe just maybe, the white old paint has the answers
The paint, the screen, the whirling thoughts
Thoughts of love and desire
Thoughts of pain and heartache to come
There’s no escape…
I wish I had nothing. Nothing would be better,
Better than living among lies
Nothing would suite me just fine now,
As I am nothing,
And nothing I shall be.

Silence

Don’t be silent, look at me. Love me.

I sit on the balcony
Cigarette in my mouth,
4 A.M, complete silence.
Just like hers.

Silence is cruelty
Silence is death
Silence is crippling my soul,
Please, don’t be silent anymore.

I’m trying to reach you,
But some part of me
Is keeping ground, hesitation.
The quietness isn’t making me sure.

Beauty and soulfulness
Combined with your tranquility,
And your convoluted self.
I can be the remedy,
The cure to your silence.

Please, think about me,
As much as I think about you.
Please, love me as much
As I’ll love you.

Don’t be silent anymore,
Be clamorous and loquacious,
For I will cherish you and hold you
I’ll never let go,
I’ll always be there,
Just let me,
Before it’s too late.

Alone

All you need is love. Down with loneliness.

Alone
Staring into the height of the sky
Dreaming of your love
Time passes quickly
The sun sets down

A dream I had
Before the sun woke up
Of promises unseen and unexpected
Embracing you
Holding on tight
Everything was safe and sound
But I was alone
When the illusion ended

I wake up
Hysterical
Craving you between my arms
I don’t want to be alone.

Alcohol

Alcohol is all you need.

I feel conscious
But I’m not really
I feel sick
I want to throw up

My hands are loose
I’m writing this without a worry
I feel free
I feel no strain of a noose

No feelings
No emotions now
Just my glass of whiskey
And my words
I’m finally free

Swaying to the music,
I don’t know what I’m going through
I’m drunk, but I’m not
I’m dying
Rotting away from myself

I’m losing touch
I’m drunk
What’s happening to me?

Time

Time is the answer.

It’s a long way to fall,
Pushing and struggling
Trying to get out
Time to a screeching halt

Time plays tricks on my mind
Acts like it’s on my side
Stirring my entire being
Shivering by the depth
Of the inevitable fall

Baby
Time is a game for me
Fall, or fall
It won’t let me down easily
We all eventually descend

Time again, our savior
Our healer, the grand tinkerer
All shall be fine
When the time
Is right.

Revolt

Change is inevitable. Life won’t wait.

A high pitched shriek
Louder than the strike of thunder
Descending upon me
Mountains tumbling
And collapsing to the sight
Of the internal cluster
My insides turning against each other

Revolted by myself
And for myself
A swift change of winds
A zeal of attitude
And of life

Succumbing to the zest of being
Devastated for not seeing
What existing is all about so early
But it’s never too late
For life never waits for anyone
And I won’t wait for it anymore.